Q: Do we need to try and copy the str8 institution of marriage? Why do we so often feel we have to have a "husband" and a "wife" in our relationships, refer to the "poodles" as our kids (a joke). Do all of our morals necessarily need to be exactly the same in sexual and domestic issues as str8s? I was in my late 40s before I really began to think about this issue. A retired college professor whom I corresponded with for several years opened my eyes that we, as gays, can think for ourselves and develop our culture and society to reflect our needs and values without necessarily being clones of the straight world in all areas. My question is general, do you ever think about things like this? I should never have mentioned "marriage". I totally agree in equal rights and have contributed money, often been 'first out', marched in parades and stood up for equal rights in the workplace, community, and even in the churches I have been with. I mean in our over-all outlook. Why mimic....For instance, two women getting married or having a Holy Union, etc., one USUALLY seems to feel a tuxedo is appropriate, while not dressing in drag in her daily life. Often with men, it in LTR (I've got LOTS of experience) the gay community actually puts pressure on us to mimic gay culture. This was the type of thoughts I was soliticing, not a war pro or con equal rights. Equal rights I'm for 100% Yes, John, it makes sense, especially the part about each of us having our own options. Monogamy because that is what you want and demand is ideal for you, but maybe not for all. Perhaps LTR are not for all, but multiple, maybe VERY multiple is for others. My background: 16+ years with older man who died of cancer (I was 47 then), ten years with man about my age, we did some 3somes rather than monogamy, a few years now as friends and living with the ex, but happily single and dating. I've seen both sides. Often it seems gays are criticizing other gays because they are not maintaining the "Christian morals" of their str8 brothers, and wonder if this is right. I'll try to make this the last addition: my last parter and I had a contract drawn up by our lawyer. For legal reasons we are as close to 'next of kin' as two people can be. Our property and assets are tied together, each has given the other all the medical power needed to make decisions and to decide who may and may not visit us in the hospital, etc. All legal, nothing presumed. AND, we have duplicate copies filed in the USA and in the other country we own property and have vacation property.
A: Yes, I think about things like this. Several things have converged on me to "think outside the culture." I was raised a Christian but I eventually began to question the teachings and eventually converted to a non-Christian religion. Now, I'm even beginning to question that religion. I was raised "straight" but I eventually came out and began to question all the negative crap that societies across the globe believe and teach about gay people. I was raised on a ranch and help grow many animals for slaughter but this didn't seem right to me and in 1972 I became a vegetarian. I grew up in the USA but over six years ago I moved to Taiwan and this opened my eyes to the cultural differences and I began to challenge many of the cultural beliefs, not only in Taiwan, but also within my own culture. There are just so many silly and meaningless magical beliefs in most cultures of the world. ...which brings me to the point of your question about us gay people copying and mimicking straight institutions. I think it's certainly OK to really think about what's important and to accept what makes sense and throw the other crap out. I could go on and on at great length about a variety of issues here, but let me just focus on one that you touched on - the "husband" and "wife" issue. Back in the early 1970's, right after gay liberation had a good foothold, there was a lot of serious discussion about what to call our lovers: "lovers" sounded too intimate to some; partner was confusing because it sounded like a business; paramour was used in some cases; life-long companion came along with AIDS; "buddy" was a term my aunt used once when introducing my lover to someone; spouse and spouse-mate were suggested, and god only knows what other creative titles were introduced to the gay lexicon. However, all along, right under our noses was the answer - husband. It seemed that we were working very hard to come up with a solution when one wasn't needed. We already had a word in the English language to define the male in a marriage. To use this word implied equality. To use this word was a powerful political statement. To accept any other word was similar to accepting "civil unions" or some other form of "separate but equal" recognition. So after calling my lovers in the past "lover," I've stopped doing that and now will introduce my husband as "husband." I do this not to copy or to mimick anything but to simply declare my equality. However, I completely agree with you that all of us "...can think for ourselves and develop our culture and society to reflect our needs and values without necessarily being clones of the straight world in all areas." We need to be free to pick and choose what makes sense and what is right for ourselves - and that means sometimes we will pick and choose some of the traditional things.